90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
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If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]