[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Interior design 👌
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.