BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.