PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
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Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!