A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
crying
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me