do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
You Might Also Like
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
seems fine
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings