Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
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Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
RT if you could go either way.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today