*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.