App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
#Caturday
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.