DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
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Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
And then there were 4
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc