[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
What?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.