[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
pictures of spider-man
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed