Is Mercury still in the microwave?
You Might Also Like
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?