It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
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Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Can Happiness buy money?
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed