I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
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[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?