born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Still my favourite meme.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew