I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich