Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
relationship goals
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
@funTweeters
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.