Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Who needs an Air Fryer?