Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
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They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.