I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
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It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.