War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine