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Hilarious if literal: arms race
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
How did we not see this back then?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”