good let them take over I have had enough
You Might Also Like
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?