had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
You Might Also Like
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here