[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
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I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?