I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
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[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.