Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The fall of Netflix
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents