CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths