Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
🔦🌙👣
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
can’t believe I got front row seats
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
What the hell is going on?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.