Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.