Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
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My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car