WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
You Might Also Like
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Ain’t no way
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
😂😂😂
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Battery falling down a hole
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone