Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
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doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.