Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*