toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
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Okay me first
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I will never stop laughing at this
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.