Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
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Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
me irl
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Beware…..
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts