My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
even bears disappoint their mothers
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?