*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.