*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
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I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
🛁
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA