When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
You Might Also Like
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
These 3D printers are insane!
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick