I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
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My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now