me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
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OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up