[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40