A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
2022: I can fix it
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song