9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
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Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,