I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”