Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
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Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.