NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
THE AUDACITY. 😤
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.