*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
We decided to have money instead of children.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
When he asks for feet pics
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”